Someone to Lean On

Growing up with a parent in prison often means navigating a childhood marked by loss, confusion and an accelerated need to mature.

For Brandon Marroquin, growing up meant watching his mother battle addiction, only to lose her at 21. But even in her absence, his desire to break the cycle of incarceration and substance abuse for himself was influenced by the advice she gave him, to do better.

For Jada Hertel, it was years of trauma and neglect, combined with the absence of her father, but the unwavering support of her grandmother became her lifeline.

Now she uses her social media platform to be that support in to help others experiencing a similar situation, “As an adult, I always try and be that model for people," said Jada. "Because that in itself is helping break cycles. And that's really important. And my grandma did that without even realizing. She had no clue what I was going through.”

Cameron Walker felt like an outsider growing when he saw friends with the sort of stable family he’d always wished for, but he still had his mother to lean on. "Mom worked hard. She did what she had to do," said Cameron.

Desiree Desarden, on the other hand, largely avoided the sense of loss others did after her father went to prison. Her stepdad filled in.

While the wounds from having a parent behind bars for a prolonged period can run deep — and leave scars — the support these children receive, the choices they make, and the strength they find within themselves can lead them toward healthier life paths.

In surveys of and interviews with more than a dozen children with incarcerated parents, as well as social workers who focus on them, I found that those who managed to avoid following a similar destructive parth to their troubled parent all had at least one person who stepped in. Someone who offered guidance and stability when it was needed most.

That was the case for me, too. I watched my dad cycle in and out of jail throughout my life — and as recently as last year. There were numerous prison phone calls, video chats and in-person visits. I lost count of how many times he had been in and out of county jail or state prison or how many years the loss of time added up to. But what I do remember is how my mom and grandparents constantly encouraged me to stay on the right path. They were always guiding me, even when they didn’t make the best choices themselves. Along with the advice my dad gave me himself - to never end up in his shoes.

Even when incarceration is the result of a parent’s own choices, the weight of that punishment doesn’t fall on them alone. As a child, I felt the consequences too. I was confused, hurt, and forced to grow up faster than I should have.

Children with an incarcerated parent face challenges that can feel impossible to overcome. The absence of a parent is more than just physical. It changes how they see themselves, how they relate to others, and how they view the world. Without the right kind of support, many of these kids end up struggling in school, getting caught up in bad behavior, or even repeating the mistakes their parents made. Throw in poverty, unstable homes, and trauma, and the path forward can seem hopeless.

For many, building and keeping relationships becomes difficult. They start to shut people out, or they deal with mental health issues that make it hard to trust others. This isolation can get in the way of their growth, their resilience, and their future. But when there’s someone who shows up consistently it can change everything.

Rosamaria Alamo, a professor at USC, knows how powerful that steady presence can be. She’s seen how it can be the difference between feeling lost and feeling seen.

“Having someone like that has gone a long ways right that I have found to be most helpful, because otherwise, the individual feels they're overwhelmed, they're alone, and that just contributes towards their, you know, the torture at times that they and the negative thoughts and just it's a very challenging situation,” Alamo said.

When someone believes in them, children start to believe in themselves. They show up more in school, they start forming stronger relationships, and they begin to steer clear of risky behaviors. The presence of a mentor or role model can be a game-changer. Especially when that person genuinely cares.

“The people that they hang out with or that they go to for support are now people that either they're looking up to or people that are doing better than than what where they're at, but because they see themselves as sort of looking up to them and feeling there's a connection and that that other person cares for them and and it's not just a job for the other person or. Or they're being fake about it,” said Alamo.

But not every kid has that kind of support. Some grow up without anyone to lean on, and even if they find stability at school, a difficult home life can undo all the progress. That’s where programs and mentors can make a real difference.

“That’s where the mentors also come in, where they can provide them with a sense of hope, show them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. They're able to feel like there is a possibility of being able to do better,” said Alamo.

When a parent is incarcerated, the absence isn’t just physical. It can shift the way a child sees themselves and the world. Some carry that weight alone, but when someone shows up for them, it can create a new path for them. Whether it’s a mentor, a teacher, or a relative, having someone who believes in them can turn things around.

Support can’t change the past, but it can help a young person see a future they didn’t think was possible. It’s not about saving them. It’s about sticking around long enough to let them find their own way.