Part Three — Lessons from the past

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BRIANNA RIEUX, HOST:

Hi, I’m Brianna Rieux, and welcome back to Time Served: The Children of Parents Behind Bars. We’ve talking about the obstacles that come with having a parent in custody. In this episode, we’ll focus on lessons passed down through generations. How can parents who have been through the system try to break the cycle for their kids? We’ll explore what drives the parents to do better, and how those efforts can shape a new path for their kids' future.

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BRIANNA RIEUX: My dad would tell me to do the opposite of what he did. I remember him giving me life lectures while he was working on a bike he’d taken from the back of a store. The room was often full of random tools and machines that always seemed to appear out of nowhere. I’d help by passing him tools and holding onto screws so they wouldn’t roll away.

MICHAEL RIEUX: I taught you guys to do the opposite. Please don't do anything I had done. This is what happens. These are the mistakes and this is what it costs you. So here's the answers.

BRIANNA RIEUX: And my mom—she always knew I’d be the one to break the cycle. She would always tell me to be strong, be smart, and to have a great heart. Those words stuck with me.

When things were hard, my parents tried to be truthful about our situation to help me understand. A lot of the truth came later, in pieces. But when they were honest , even in small ways, it stayed with me.

That kind of honesty helped me see their mistakes clearly. Not just as stories, but as warnings. And that’s how I started learning what not to do — by paying attention to what went wrong and making the choice to do something different.

MICHAEL RIEUX: Nobody ever told me right from wrong. So I learned by trial and error. So I haven't changed. I just developed it to the individual I am today by all the mistakes and things that I made. And then I'll find out what works. Then I usually share that information with you guys, because I don't want you to be, you know, have to go through all the crap I did. I'm still learning every day, and I still make mistakes.

BRIANNA RIEUX: The impact of incarceration goes far beyond prison walls. It reaches into homes, and into childhoods. And it leaves a mark.

A study from Central Connecticut State University found that 70% of children with an incarcerated parent are likely to follow that same path.

Parents behind bars know the toll their absence takes. They know the grief, the confusion, and the fear that comes from being separated from your child.

But many of them still try to show up, even from behind bars.

Most of these parents try to stay connected with their kids often through phone calls or handwritten letters. But in-person visits are far less common. In fact, only about a third of parents serving time actually get to see their kids face-to-face.

Still, maintaining any form of connection matters. They offer a chance to explain what happened, to take accountability, and to begin repairing trust.

That kind of honesty can be powerful. It helps kids process the reality of their situation, and for some, it can lay the groundwork for reunification down the line.

But openness hasn’t always been the norm. Derrick Hill, an outreach specialist at Dad’s Back Academy, grew in a time when families often kept the truth hidden.

DERRICK HILL: I grew up in the 60s and the 70s, where families hid different things, like, yeah, it's super crazy to me, because I'm like, why you didn't tell me he was on drugs, I would have never used drugs, you know. But I just wanted to try it.

BRIANNA RIEUX: With his own kids, Derrick made sure to use the truth to guide them, telling them the lessons he learned the hard way.

DERRICK HILL: I think I scared the bejesus out of them with the stories I had. If I'd have known anything about drugs, I would have never had to go through any of that. So I made damn sure I told my daughter and son. Sat them both down, hey, listen... and my daughter was like, 'I’m a little girl.' I said, 'I don’t care, you’re gonna listen right now. Don’t use drugs. I know that sounds so cliché, but you don’t want to. Here’s the reason why. Your dad used drugs, and you guys probably have an addictive personality. I know you don’t understand what that is, but I’m telling you, if you use drugs, you’ll probably be hooked on them.' They both looked like, ‘Damn.’”

BRIANNA RIEUX: Having a criminal record can create a ripple effect across generations. It makes it harder for parents to find stable work, often pushing families into poverty. And that instability increases the chances that the children could end up in foster care — or, later, in the system themselves.

But some parents are doing everything they can to interrupt that cycle and build something different for their kids.

Terry McMurry, who parented through his sentence, shared how he just did best he could.

TERRY MCMURRY: I think, I think things start to change if the parent is involved, you know, just doing something positive, showing them something positive, I think that just helps. You know, may not help all the way, but at least parent, you know, I did what I what I thought I should do.

BRIANNA RIEUX: Some parents do try. They know their choices have caused pain, and they’ve learned to help their kids avoid the same mistakes.

But that’s not always the case. Not every parent has the willingness to show up. In fact, a recent survey by the Prison Policy Initiative found that 14% of parents did not want their kids to visit them in prison, even though the absence of a parent can have long lasting effects. Whereas the majority, two thirds, do want that connection, whether it’s through letters, phone calls, or in-person visits.

Their research also shows that there is a positive impact when kids stay connected with their incarcerated parents. It can boost their emotional well-being and lower the risk of ending up in the system.

In the end, it’s about being present, being honest, and giving kids the tools to make better decisions.

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BRIANNA RIEUX: That was part three of Time Served: The Children of Parents Behind Bars. Next, we’ll hear from the children themselves, exploring how they navigate the challenges of growing up with a parent behind bars. Thanks for listening. I’m Brianna Rieux.

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